Category Archives: Holidays

Leave No Stone Unturned, No Ancestor Behind: 10 Easy Steps to Capture DNA Clues

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There’s a lot, a whole lot that DNA testing can tell you. Not just your own tests, but the genetic information carried by your relatives that you do not.

Recently, I’ve been reviewing my brick walls, which led me to realize there are several ancestors who are missing their mitochondrial DNA and/or Y-DNA  results. I need these to learn more about my ancestors that can’t be revealed any other way – and to break down those pesky brick walls.

I’ve solved two mysteries recently, one thanks to a Big Y-700 test, and a second very unexpectedly thanks to mitochondrial DNA – both thanks to cousins who tested. These revelations were very encouraging, especially since there’s no way other than DNA for me to break through these brick walls. The mitochondrial test had been sitting there, waiting for what seemed like forever until just the right other person tested.

I am in the process of unlocking several brick-walled ancestors by providing testing scholarships to people who are appropriately descended from known ancestors in those lines.

Don’t leave information on the table. If I were to tell you there even MIGHT be a book available about your family, you’d overturn Heaven and Earth to find it – but you don’t need to do that. All you need to do is order DNA tests for cousins.

All cousins can provide useful autosomal DNA results, but you do need to find appropriate cousins for Y-DNA and mitochondrial DNA testing.

I’m sharing the steps for how I accomplish this! You’ll be amazed at what’s out there – and someone may already have tested!

Take Advantage of the Holidays

I’m sharing NOW because it’s the holidays and you’re likely to gather with people you don’t see any other time – and because the best sale of the year for both Y-DNA and mitochondrial DNA lasts from now through the end of the year.

These two factors combined mean strike while the iron is hot.

Prices for new tests and bundles are at an all-time low.

If you or your relatives have already taken a lower-level test, now is the time to upgrade to either the Big Y-700 or the mtFull Sequence test.

Step 1 – Test Yourself and Your Known Family

If you’re a male, order both the Big Y-700 test and mitochondrial DNA tests.

Be sure to click on “See More” for more useful tools.

When you receive your results, be sure to click on all of the tabs in your results, and do the same by clicking through to Discover from your account. Discover has 13 more goodies for you to help with your genealogy.

Both your personal page and Discover are essentially chapters of your own personal book about your DNA results. 25 very interesting chapters, to be precise, that are uniquely you.

I’ve written about understanding Y-DNA results here, and mitochondrial results here. My book, Complete Guide to FamilyTreeDNA, covers both along with Discover.

Discover provides robust information for Y-DNA haplogroups. If you’ve taken a Big Y-700 test, you’ll want to click through from your page to receive additional, personalized and more robust information than is available through the free public Discover tool. That said, the public version of Discover is an amazing tool for everyone.

After the new Mitotree is released for mitochondrial DNA, mitochondrial haplogroups will be available in Discover too.

I can’t even begin to stress how important these tools are – in particular the Time Tree, the Group Time Tree for members of group projects, and the Match Time Tree for your own matches.

Who Can Test For What?

Once you’ve tested yourself, you will want to take a look in your pedigree chart at branches further up your tree to see who can be tested to represent specific ancestors.

Let’s begin with my father’s side.

A mother contributes her mitochondrial DNA to all of her children, so your father carries the mitochondrial DNA of his mother.

If you’re a female, and your father is available to test, you’ll want to test BOTH his mitochondrial DNA and Y-DNA, because there’s no way for you to obtain that information from your own test. Females don’t have a Y chromosome, and men don’t pass on their mitochondrial DNA.

If you’re a male, you can test your own mitochondrial DNA and Y-DNA, but you’ll need to test your father’s mitochondrial DNA to obtain his mother’s. You might still want to test your father’s Y-DNA, however, because you may discover a personal family haplogroup. How cool is that??!! Your own tiny branch on the tree of mankind!

Your father’s mitochondrial DNA provides you with mitochondrial matches and haplogroup information for your paternal grandmother – in this case, Ollie Bolton.

If your father and his siblings can’t test, then all of the children of your paternal aunts carry your paternal grandmother’s mitochondrial DNA.

If they have no children or they can’t test, then the children of Ollie Bolton’s mother, Margaret Claxton/Clarkson all carry her mitochondrial DNA, and the children of Ollie’s sisters continue the line of descent through all daughters to the current generation.

The male children of Joseph “Dode” Bolton and Margaret Claxton carry his Y-DNA. Fortunately, that’s not one of our missing haplogroups.

Yes, you may have to climb up your tree and climb down various branches to find a testing candidate.

One of the reasons I’m using this example is because, while I have a high-level haplogroup for my grandmother, Ollie Bolton, we need a full sequence tester – and I’m offering a mitochondrial DNA testing scholarship for anyone descending from Margaret Claxton (or her direct female ancestors) through all females to the current generation, which can be male.

Ok, now let’s switch to the maternal side of your tree.

On the other side of your tree, your maternal grandfather or your mother’s brothers will provide the Y-DNA of your mother’s father’s line. Your mother’s uncles or their sons will provide your grandfather’s Y-DNA line, too. In this case, that’s John Whitney Ferverda, who carries the Y-DNA of his father, Hiram Bauke Ferverda/Ferwerda.

Your maternal grandfather or his siblings will provide the mitochondrial DNA of their mother, Evaline Louise Miller.

If they are deceased or can’t test, for mitochondrial DNA, look to the children of Evaline Miller’s daughters or their descendants through all females to the current generation, which can be male.

And yes, in case you’re wondering, I do need Evaline Miller’s mitochondrial line too and am offering a scholarship.

You might have noticed that I’ve been inching my way up my tree. All of my immediate relatives have passed over already, so I’m now looking for testers that I don’t know but who I’m related to.

If you’re seeing family members anytime soon, figure out if their Y-DNA, mitochondrial DNA, or autosomal DNA would be useful for your common genealogy. Take advantage of the opportunity.

Next, you’ll want to figure out which ancestors need haplogroups and locate appropriate cousins.

Step 2 – Identify Ancestors Who Need Haplogroups

Peruse your tree to determine which of your ancestors you need haplogroup information for. To make it easy, on my computer, but never in a public tree anyplace, I store the haplogroup of my ancestor as a “middle name” so I can easily see which ones I have and which ones I need. Sometimes, I have a high-level haplogroup and either need a new tester or someone to upgrade.

Sometimes, I have one tester from a line but need a second for confirmation.

In this example, I’m not missing confirmation on any Y-DNA haplogroups (although I am further upstream on different lines,) but I do need four different mitochondrial DNA lineages.

For easy reference, make a list of all of the lines you can’t confirm with two testers from different children of the same ancestor.

You just might get lucky and discover that someone has already tested!

Step 3 – Check FamilyTreeDNA Projects

Check FamilyTreeDNA Projects to see if someone has already tested to represent those ancestors on your list.

Click here for the Group Project Search. It’s located at the very bottom of the main FamilyTreeDNA page in the footer.

I’m going to use Estes as an example since I’m the volunteer administrator of that project and am very familiar with the lineages.

I’m searching for projects that include the surname Estes.

The projects displayed on the list are projects where the volunteer administrators listed Estes as a possible surname of interest. It doesn’t mean those projects will be of interest to everyone or every line with that surname, but evaluate each project listed.

You probably want the surname project, but if there’s not a surname project for your surname, try alternate spellings or consider checking other projects.

You can see at the bottom that 384 people of both sexes by the surname of Estes have tested at FamilyTreeDNA.

Now, let’s look at the Estes project. Note that not everyone with the Estes surname has joined the Estes project.

I’ve clicked on the “Estes” link which takes me to an additional information page where I can read a description and click to view the project.

For the Estes project, you do not have to join to view the results. Nor does your surname have to be Estes. All Estes descendants of any line are welcome. Everyone can benefit from the Advanced Matching within project feature to see who else you match within the project by selecting a wide range of individual and combined filters.

Click on the Project Website link shown in the search results.

If you’re searching for a male Estes ancestor, you’ll want to review the project’s Y-DNA Results and the Group Time Tree, for sure, and possibly the Map as well.

Let’s pretend I’m trying to determine if anyone has tested who descends from my ancestor, Abraham Estes, the founding Estes ancestor in Virginia who arrived in the mid-1600s.

In the Estes project, the volunteer administrator has divided the Estes male participants by sons of Abraham, the immigrant. Only three are shown here, but there are several.

Some of the participants have completed their Earliest Known Ancestor information, in the red box. Sometimes people don’t think to update these when they make breakthroughs.

If you descend from Abraham’s son, Sylvester, three men have taken the Big Y-700. That’s the test results you need.

If you descend from Abraham’s son, Abraham, no project participants have taken the Big-Y test to represent that line, although six people have tested, so that’s great news. Maybe you can offer an upgrade scholarship to one or some of those men.

In other words, to establish the haplogroup for that lineage, at least two men need to test or upgrade to the Big Y-700, preferably through two different sons of the common ancestor. A new, more defining haplogroup is often formed every two or three generations for Y-DNA.

Your genetic pedigree chart looks a lot like your genealogy pedigree chart.

Click any image to enlarge

The project Group Time Tree shows selected groups of men who have taken Big Y tests, along with their Earliest Known Ancestor, if they’ve provided the information. This is one of the reasons why the Big Y-700 is so critically important to genealogy. The time granularity is amazing and can answer the question of whether men by the same surname descend from the same common ancestor – and when.

If you’ve taken a Family Finder autosomal test at FamilyTreeDNA, or uploaded an autosomal file from another vendor, you may match one of these men or another male that descends from the Estes line if they, too, have taken an autosomal test.

This same process applies to mitochondrial DNA, but generally surname projects aren’t (as) relevant for mitochondrial DNA since the surname changes every generation. However, sometimes other projects, such as the Acadian AmerIndian Project are quite beneficial if you have Acadian ancestry, or a geographic or regional project like the French Heritage Project, or something like the American Indian Project.

Another great way to find testers is by utilizing your Family Finder test.

Step 4 – Family Finder at FamilyTreeDNA

The next step is to see if you match anyone with the surname you’re searching for by using your autosomal test results, so select your Family Finder Matches.

At FamilyTreeDNA you’ll want to search your matches by the surname you seek. This surname search lists any tester who has that surname, or anyone who has entered that surname in their surname list. Please note that this search does NOT read ancestors in your matches’ trees. You’ll still need to view trees.

Reviewing the 32 Estes Family Finder matches reveals several men, but one man with the Estes surname has already taken a Y-DNA 25-marker test, so he would be an excellent candidate to offer a Big Y-700 upgrade scholarship. If he’s not interested or doesn’t respond, there are several more men to contact.

Click on your match’s name to display the profile card, along with the Earliest Known Ancestors, both Y-DNA and mitochondrial DNA haplogroups if they have tested, and the assigned haplogroup based on their testing level.

Craft an email and offer a testing scholarship. This will help both of you. I’ll provide a sample email at the end of this article.

If you match a female with an Estes surname, her father, brother, uncle or cousin may either have already tested or be willing.

If you match someone who has a different surname, that means they have an Estes surname in their surname list and may know a potential tester. If your match has a tree, click to check.

I’ve found that matching through a company where you’ve both tested is the easiest way to encourage someone to take an additional test, but certainly, it’s not the only way.

Step 5 – WikiTree

WikiTree is a quick and easy way to see if anyone has taken a Y-DNA or mitochondrial DNA test that should reflect a particular ancestor’s Y-DNA or mitochondrial DNA.

I just googled “Moses Estes 1711-1787 WikiTree” and clicked to view.

Each ancestor includes both Y-DNA and mitochondrial DNA information, in addition to people who descend from that ancestor through only autosomal lines.

In this case, two men have provided their Y-DNA results that pertain to Moses Estes. They have tested at different levels, which is why they have different haplogroups. That doesn’t mean either is “wrong,” one is just more refined than the other. You can correlate their kit number with the Estes surname project. People often don’t update their haplogroup information at WikiTree when it’s updated at FamilyTreeDNA.

Please note that if the genealogy is wrong, either at WikiTree or individually, the haplogroup may not reflect the appropriate lineage for the ancestor. Check to be sure that there’s no conflict showing between two testers for the same ancestor. For example, the same ancestor clearly can’t have two different base haplogroups, like E and R. The Discover Compare tool can help you evaluate if two haplogroups are in the same part of the Y-DNA tree.

When possible, it’s always best to test a close family member to represent your lineage even if someone else has already tested.

Scan down the list of autosomal testers for that ancestor to see if there’s someone with the Estes surname.

WikiTree provides additional tools to find descendants.

Sign in to WikiTree. You’ll see the ID of the profile you’re viewing – in this case – Estes-167. Click the down arrow and select “Descendants.”

This view shows all descendants through five generations, but you can click on DNA Descendants to see only Y-DNA descendants, X-DNA, or mitochondrial DNA descendants for female ancestors.

You may find people who are living and have added themselves who you can contact to offer a DNA testing scholarship.

Step 6 – MyHeritage

At MyHeritage, you can also search your DNA matches by surname.

Click on “Review DNA Match” to view more detail, including locations. Look to see if you have a Theory of Family Relativity Match which suggests how you may be related. That’s golden!

There’s no Y-DNA information at MyHeritage, BUT, you can search by surname and view DNA matches that either carry that surname or have that surname in their tree as an ancestor.

I have a total of 75 “Estes” matches, and other than the kits that I manage, searching through my matches shows:

  • Two Estes men connected to the same small tree, but that’s OK, I’m a genealogist!

  • One Estes male match with a Theory of Family Relativity. My lucky day!

You can contact your match easily through the MyHeritage messaging system and offer a DNA testing scholarship at FamilyTreeDNA. You may also want to share your email address.

MyHeritage customers may not be familiar with Y-DNA or mitochondrial DNA testing, so you might want to share this article about the 4 Kinds of DNA for Genealogy.

MyHeritage testers can also upload their DNA file to FamilyTreeDNA for free to receive autosomal matches plus a complimentary mid-range Y-DNA haplogroup. This free haplogroup is not even close to the detailed resolution of a Big Y-700 test, but it’s something, and it may well be an enticing first step for people who are only familiar with autosomal testing.

Step 7 – At Ancestry

At Ancestry, select DNA Matches and then search by surname.

You can search by the surname of the tester, which is very useful, or by people who have Estes in their trees.

I started with the surname Estes, because it’s the most straightforward and I may find a perfect male candidate for Y-DNA. If someone’s “screen name” doesn’t show as Estes, they won’t appear in the results of this search. In other words, if your Ancestry screen name is “robertaestes” you won’t show in this search, but “Roberta Estes” will.

For mitochondrial DNA, you would want to search for the surname in your matches’ trees. Unfortunately, you cannot search for the specific ancestor in someone’s tree, at least not directly.

Of my 19 Estes surname matches, ten are males, and of them:

  • Three have unlinked trees
  • Three have very small linked trees, but I can work on extending those if need be
  • Three have public linked trees AND a common ancestor, which means ThruLines

I can review which ancestor we share by clicking on my match’s name

The Estes side of this man’s tree has only one person and is marked “private,” but Ancestry has suggested common ancestors based on other people’s trees. (Yes, I know trees are dicey, but bear with me.)

It’s also worth mentioning that you can be related through multiple lines. I share surnames from Acadian lines with this man, but that really doesn’t matter here because I’m only using autosomal matching to find an Estes male.

Click on “View Relationship” to see our common Estes ancestor’s ThruLine.

The ThruLine shows how Ancestry thinks we’re related on the Estes line.

I can also click on “View ThruLines” to see all Thrulines for John R. Estes, which shows four additional males, some of which did NOT appear in the Estes surname search, and some of which don’t appear further up the tree. In other words, check all Estes ThruLine ancestor generations.

Don’t rely solely on Ancestry’s surname search.

Go directly to your ThruLines on the DNA menu.

Ancestry only reaches back seven generations, which for me is Moses Estes and Luremia Combs. Moses has 95 matches, but he has been given some incorrect children. Again, for this purpose, it doesn’t matter. Within all ThruLine matches, I found three Estes males who all descend through John R. Estes. Check every generation.

However, Luremia Combs shows promise for mitochondrial DNA descendants. Unfortunately, only two of her daughters are represented in ThruLines, and both of their descendants descend through Luremia’s grandsons. That’s too bad, because I need Luremia’s mitochondrial DNA line.

It’s easy to message your Ancestry matches. You may want to mention that they can upload their DNA file to FamilyTreeDNA for free where they will receive more matches and males will receive a complimentary mid-level Y-DNA haplogroup.

Please note that, in general, ThruLines need to be evaluated very carefully and are prone to errors, especially if you accept Ancestry’s suggestions of ancestors instead of carefully building out your own tree. Regardless, you can still find Estes cousin matches in your match list and by using ThruLines to find people that do not show up in an “Estes” match search.

Step 8 – At 23andMe

At 23andMe, you can search for anyone who either has the Estes surname or has included that surname in their “Family surnames” list. Keep in mind that your matches at 23andMe are restricted to either 1500 if you don’t have a subscripition, or about 4500 if you do have a subscription.

On my match list, I have two males with the Estes surname.

23andMe provides a mid-level Y-DNA haplogroup. You can’t use this to confirm the lineage when comparing with FamilyTreeDNA, especially given that 23andMe provides no genealogy or user-provided tree, but it is a clue.

Both Estes men at 23andMe have Y-DNA haplogroup R-CTS241. You could use this in some cases to potentially eliminate these matches at 23andMe. For example, if men in your lineage in the Estes project are in haplogroup R and your 23andMe matches are showing as haplogroup E, or any other base haplogroup, their common ancestor is tens of thousands of years ago.

Comparing the 23andMe haplogroup, which in this case is about 4500 years old, to contemporary testers who have taken the Big Y-700, which reaches within a few generations, isn’t terribly useful. These matches are extremely useful to identify individuals to reach out to for further information and potentially offer a Y-DNA testing scholarship at FamilyTreeDNA.

Remember, this also applies to females who have included Estes in their family surnames, given that they may have Estes male relatives.

By clicking to view your match, you can see if they have provided Family Background information, including a link to a family tree someplace.

Sometimes, there’s great information here, and other times, nothing.

You can’t verify this lineage without genealogy information.

I suggest leaving a genealogy-focused message, including where they can see your tree in addition to your Estes connection. Also include your e-mail.

You may want to say that if they descend appropriately, you have a Y-DNA or mitochondrial DNA testing scholarship, or you may want to wait to see how they descend. You can also ask if they have already taken a Y-DNA or mitochondrial DNA test at FamilyTreeDNA.

Step 9 – FamilySearch and Relatives at RootsTech

We’re getting ready for RootsTech 2025 which takes place in March. In the month or so before the last two RootsTechs, FamilySearch provided an absolutely wonderful tool called “Relatives at RootsTech.”

I’ve written about this several times, but essentially, you can see, by ancestor, other people who are registered both in-person and virtually for RootsTech, and how they descend.

Here’s an example.

In both years, I’ve found several people who descended from common ancestors AND were very willing to take the relevant DNA test. That’s a huge win-win for everyone.

The best part is that because these people have freshly registered for RootsTech, the reply rate is almost 100%.

I’ll write about this as soon as RootsTech makes it available this year. Fingers crossed that they do!

Step 10 – Social Media

Social media wouldn’t be my first choice to find DNA testers, but I have found perfectly willing cousins this way. You may be less successful on Facebook or other social media platforms, but if you’re striking out elsewhere, there’s absolutely no downside to trying.

You can enter a surname and search on Facebook, but I prefer to do a Google search like “Estes genealogy on Facebook” or even just “Estes genealogy,” which will produce far more widespread information, some of which may be irrelevant.

That Facebook Google search provided the names of two groups. People join groups because they have an interest, and I’ve had good luck in Facebook genealogy groups.

A Search of “Estes” on Facebook itself, then selecting “people” provided a list of Estes Facebook users.

I’ve had far better luck by joining a group that is focused on Estes genealogy, or even a county genealogy group that includes Estes families, than individuals. People who join any Estes group or project likely have an interest in that surname.

If you have a common surname, or there’s a park named after your surname, like Estes Park, you’ll probably want to focus by using Google searches for Estes genealogy.

The Descendants of Abraham Estes Facebook group has 222 members, of whom at least 31 are males with the Estes surname. Facebook just might be an underestimated resource.

If there isn’t a genealogy-focused group for your surname, you might want to consider starting one and encouraging people to join.

It can’t hurt, and it just might help. Before you start reaching out to random people on Facebook, please do a privacy checkup – I wrote about how, here.

Sale Prices

Remember, the sale prices at FamilyTreeDNA for new tests and upgrades last through year-end.

In my experience, it’s best to test as soon as someone agrees. You never know what will happen otherwise. I’ve had people pass away before they could swab. And yes, we’ve done funeral home swabs, too.

There’s no one-size-fits-all, but here’s a rough draft contact letter.

Potential Contact Letter

You’ll want to include several critical pieces of information.

Essentially:

  • Introduce yourself
  • Say their full name on their test AND the testing company in the title of an email. I manage many tests and if I receive an email that says, “Hi, can you tell me how we match” without telling me which person they match, I can’t even begin to answer.
  • Explain your genealogy connection
  • State your purpose in writing
  • Explain how a specific test will help them too
  • Offer to answer questions

Be sure to modify this letter to reflect your own voice and circumstances. You don’t want this to read like a form letter.

Dear cousin (insert their full name here,)

It was so nice to find our DNA match at <company name> (or we share a common ancestor, or appropriate circumstance.) (If you are managing someone else’s kit, say the name of who they match and explain that you manage their DNA kit.)

I descend from (ancestor plus birth and death date) who lived in Halifax County, Virginia and was married to (spouse.) You can view my tree at (insert link that does not require a subscription for viewing unless you match them on that platform. I use MyHeritage because everyone can view their trees)

I would very much like to confirm that our line descends from Abraham Estes (or relevant information meaning your reason for wanting them to test.)

Given that my surname is x (or I’m a female), we need to test the Y-DNA of a male who is descended from (ancestor) through all males to the current generation. (Or mitochondrial DNA descended through females to the current generation which can be male.)

FamilyTreeDNA provides this testing and shows who you match on that specific line using the Y chromosome (mitochondrial DNA).

This testing may connect us with earlier ancestors. Genetics can be used to determine when we share common Estes ancestors with others who test, where we come from overseas, and when. Even if we match ancient DNA samples that may tell us where our ancestors lived before surnames. In other words, where did we come from?

(Include a nice paragraph, but not a book about your ancestral lineage here.)

I have a DNA testing scholarship for someone from this line and you are the perfect candidate. I would like to take advantage of the current sales. If you’re interested, I only need two things from you.

First, permission so that I can order (or upgrade) and pay for the test, and second, an address where to send the test (unless it’s an upgrade). (If it’s an upgrade at FamilyTreeDNA, they can use a stored sample or will sent them a new kit if there’s not enough DNA.)

If you have any questions, please let me know. I’m very excited that we may be able to learn more about our heritage.

Please email me at xxx or call me at xxx if you have questions.

Your name

I know one person who offers to review results over Zoom. Someone else stresses that the tester’s email is attached to their test and they are always in control of their results. Another person asks them to join a project they manage to assure that they can follow their matches over time.

Customize this communication in your own voice and to fit the circumstances of each match.

It’s just me, but since I’m ordering while the tests are on sale, unless the person uploads their DNA file from another vendor, I add on a Family Finder test too and explain why. You never know if they will match you or another cousin, and they may have that match that eventually breaks down the next brick wall. Shared matches are powerful evidence and it’s a lot easier to add that test on now than try to contact them again later.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

Which ancestors do you need Y-DNA or mitochondrial DNA results for? Methodically check each line.

There’s so much to learn. Don’t leave information on the table by virtue of omission.

Leave no stone unturned!

You don’t know what you don’t know.

Who’s waiting out there for you?

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Holiday DNA Sales Are Here!!!

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I apologize for the brevity of this posting, but I came home from the FamilyTreeDNA Conference this past weekend with “conference crud.”

I’ll catch you up on that great conference later, but sales won’t wait, and the holiday sales have already begun. This is a great time to order. These prices are the lowest ever.

MyHeritage

The MyHeritage autosomal test is only $36, and shipping is free if you order two or more DNA tests. That’s a GREAT deal. Click here to order.

If you’ve already tested elsewhere, you can upload your raw DNA file from that vendor to MyHeritage, here. I’ve provided step-by-step instructions, here. After you’ve uploaded, be sure to purchase the $29 unlock for advanced autosomal features, including the MyHeritage chromosome browser and Theories of Family Relativity, which shows you how you connect with DNA matches who share the same ancestor in MyHeritage’s collection of 52 million trees.

If you’re new to MyHeritage, you can also purchase a data or records subscription here, including a free trial.

I use this combination of DNA, trees, and tools almost daily and love that MyHeritage sends me regular record matches from their billions of genealogy records.

FamilyTreeDNA

Every test is on sale at FamilyTreeDNA.

As you know, FamilyTreeDNA provides Y-DNA, mitochondrial, and autosomal testing through their Family Finder test. They also accept autosomal DNA file uploads from Ancestry and MyHeritage. You’ll find easy download and upload instructions for each vendor, here. The advanced feature unlock is on sale now for just $9!

You can order each test individually or bundle tests for a better price.

Note that the introductory Y-DNA 37-marker test is available for $99, and can later be upgraded to the Big-Y test. However, the Big Y-700 is on sale for $399 which is a great price. Y-DNA testing unlocks your paternal ancestor’s history revealed in FamilyTreeDNA‘s world-class Discover tools.

If you’ve already tested at FamilyTreeDNA and would like to add another test for yourself or upgrade, say to the Big-Y test, just click here, sign on, and click on the Add Ons and Upgrade button in the upper right-hand corner.

I hope I’m not spilling the beans, but all sale prices, including upgrades and autosomal transfer unlocks, are shown below:

Genealogy Goals

The holidays are coming! Take a look at what you need for your genealogy.

I decided a long time ago it’s absolutely fine to “gift myself” with purchases and upgrades for my cousins. Especially the Big Y-700 at FamilyTreeDNA and the mitochondrial DNA test, which is vastly underutilized. This helps my genealogy immensely, as well as theirs. Most people are happy to swab, especially if you’re doing the genealogy work.

My goal is to:

  • Have the autosomal DNA of each of my family members and cousins in both databases that provide chromosome browsers so that I can confirm ancestors at FamilyTreeDNA and MyHeritage.
  • Find male cousins to test for the Y-DNA, the surname lineage of each of my ancestral lines. Males who descend paternally from each male ancestor can usually be tracked by their surname.
  • Mitochondrial DNA for each of my ancestors. For mitochondrial DNA testing, we need testers descended through all females from each female ancestor, although males in the current generation can test. Everyone has their mother’s direct matrilineal line mitochondrial DNA.

To find testing candidates for your lineages, check projects at FamilyTreeDNA, autosomal matches at all vendors, your ancestors at WikiTree, ThruLines at Ancestry, even though ThruLines is still having issues, and Theories of Family Relativity at MyHeritage.

With DNAtests on sale right now, this is a great time to purchase tests at MyHeritage and FamilyTreeDNA.

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Holiday DNA Sales Have Started Early

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Wow – the sales started early this year! I understand that Black Friday has morphed into the month of November. I’m good with that!

I’m not really surprised because many people are spending more time at home and let’s face it, genealogy is a great at-home activity. I’m glad the sales are starting earlier and running longer because it encourages more people to become engaged.

Genealogy can even help you produce holiday gifts for others in a myriad of ways. Not just purchasing DNA kits for yourself and family members but creating stories or giving them a book you’ve created with photos of grandma and grandpa’s life, perchance.

Of course, DNA is a HUGE part of genealogy. Even if you’re not going to be able to see Uncle Joe this Thanksgiving, you can certainly have a fun Zoom session and document him swabbing or spitting for his DNA test! Make memories, one way or another

Let’s see what the vendors are offering. Then, be sure to read to the end for a surprise.

FamilyTreeDNA – Early Bird Holiday Sale

click to enlarge

FamilyTreeDNA has more products to offer than any of the other vendors with autosomal, Y DNA and mitochondrial DNA tests, each offering something unique.

Y DNA focuses only on your direct patrilineal (surname) line if you are a male. Mitochondrial DNA follows your matrilineal (mother’s mother’s mother’s) line for both sexes. The Family Finder autosomal test traces all ancestral lines. You can read a quick article about these different tests and how they work in this article:

The Family Finder test uses matches to known family members like parents, aunts, uncles and cousins to assign other matches who match both you and your family member to either maternal or paternal sides of your tree.

You can also use Genetic Affairs AutoCluster, AutoTree and AutoPedigree tools at FamilyTreeDNA to get even more mileage out of your DNA tests.

If you were an early tester with Y and mitochondrial DNA, you can upgrade now to a more robust test to receive more granular results.

click to enlarge

Have you noticed the ancient DNA articles I’ve been writing recently?

Your most refined haplogroup revealed only in the Big Y-700 or mitochondrial mtFull Sequence test allows you to compare your haplogroup with ancient samples most effectively. I promise you, there will be more articles upcoming! These are just pure joy, connecting back in time.

The FamilyTreeDNA sale ends November 24th. Please click here to order or upgrade.

MyHeritage

MyHeritageDNA includes lots of features that other vendors don’t have, such as integrated AutoClusters and Theories of Family Relativity (TOFR) which connects you and your matches through a network of common records and trees. TOFR is surprisingly accurate, either pointing the way to or identifying common ancestors.

I wrote about how to use these and other included tools to unravel your genealogy in this recent article, with a free companion webinar:

Additionally, MyHeritage has a strong focus in Europe that includes lots of European testers – perfect for people whose ancestors are emigrants from another country.

MyHeritageDNA is on sale now for $49, a $30 savings, plus free shipping if you purchase two or more kits. Please click here to order.

This sale ends November 25th.

Ancestry

Best known for their large database, AncestryDNA offers ThruLines which takes advantage of their database size to suggest common ancestors for you and your matches based on multiple trees. I wrote about ThruLines in this article:

The AncestryDNA test is on sale now for $59, a $40 savings, with free US shipping. Please click here to order.

Sale ends November 23rd.

23andMe

23andMe is best known in the genealogy community for the accuracy of their Ancestry Composition, known as ethnicity results, which they paint on your chromosomes.

23andMe also creates a “genetic tree” between you and your closest matches based on who does and who does not match each other, and how they match each other. I wrote about genetic trees and subsequently, how they solved one mystery in these two articles.

While the genetic tree technology isn’t perfected yet, it’s certainly the direction of the future and can provide insight into how you and others are related and where to look for them in your actual genealogy tree.

The 23andMe Ancestry only test is available for a 10% reduction in price at $88.95. Please click here to order.

Of course, 23andMe also offers a health product that includes the ancestry product.

The 23andMe Health + Ancestry test is available for $99, a saving of 50%. Please click here to order.

These sale prices end November 26th.

Surprise!!!

I have an early holiday gift for you too.

Beginning later this week, I’m publishing the first article in a new interactive series aptly named…drum roll…“DNA Tidbits.”

Indeed, there is fruit-of-the-vine to be harvested and that’s exactly what we are going to do – in small steps! Tidbits.

Just like everything else on this blog, it’s completely free of course and we are going to have lots of FUN!

Let me give you a hint – you’ll probably want to have test results at all of these companies because the Tidbits will be bouncing around a bit – so if you need to buy something, please click on the links below.

Thank you and I can’t wait to get started!

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Disclosure

I receive a small contribution when you click on some of the links to vendors in my articles. This does NOT increase the price you pay but helps me to keep the lights on and this informational blog free for everyone. Please click on the links in the articles or to the vendors below if you are purchasing products or DNA testing.

Thank you so much.

DNA Purchases and Free Transfers

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Are You DNA Testing the Right People?

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We often want to purchase DNA kits for relatives, especially during the holidays when there are so many sales. (There are links for free shipping on tests in addition to sale prices at the end of this article. If you already know who to test, pop on down to the Sales section, now.)

Everyone is on a budget, so who should we test to obtain results that are relevant to our genealogy?

We tell people to test as many family members as possible – but what does that really mean?

Testing everyone may not be financially viable, nor necessary for genealogy, so let’s take a look at how to decide where to spend YOUR testing dollars to derive the most benefit.

It’s All Relative😊

When your ancestors had children, those children inherited different pieces of your ancestors’ DNA.

Therefore, it’s in your best interest to test all of the direct descendants generationally closest to the ancestor that you can find.

It’s especially useful to test descendants of your own close ancestors – great-great-grandparents or closer – where there is a significant possibility that you will match your cousins.

All second cousins match, and roughly 90% (or more) of third cousins match.

Percent of cousins match.png

This nifty chart compiled by ISOGG shows the probability statistics produced by the major testing companies regarding cousin matching relationships.

My policy is to test 4th cousins or closer. The more, the merrier.

Identifying Cousins

  • First cousins share grandparents.
  • Second cousins share great-grandparents.
  • Third cousins share great-great-grandparents.

The easiest way for me to see who these cousins might be is to open my genealogy software on my computer, select my great-great-grandparent, and click on descendants. Pretty much all software has a similar function.

The resulting list shows all of the descendants of that ancestor that I’ve entered in my software. Most genealogists already have or could construct this information with relative ease. These are the cousins you need to be talking to anyway, because they will have photos and stories that you don’t. If you don’t know them, there’s never been a better time to reach out and introduce yourself.

Who to test descendants software

Click to enlarge

People You Already Know

Sometimes it’s easier to start with the family you already know and may see from time to time. Those are the people who will likely be the most beneficial to your genealogy.

Who to test 1C.png

Checking my tree at FamilyTreeDNA, Hiram Ferverda and Evaline MIller are my great-grandparents. All of their children are deceased, but I have a relationship with the children born to their son, Roscoe. Both Cheryl and her brother carry parts of Hiram and Eva’s DNA their son John Ferverda (my grandfather) didn’t inherit, and therefore that I can’t carry.

Therefore, it’s in my best interest to gift my cousin, Cheryl and her brother, both, with DNA kits. Turns out that I already have and my common matches with both Cheryl and her brother are invaluable because I know that people who match me plus either one of them descend from the Ferverda or Miller lines. This relationship and linking them on my tree, shown above, allows Family Tree DNA to perform phased Family Matching which is their form of triangulation.

It’s important to test both siblings, because some people will match me plus one but not the other sibling.

Who’s Relevant?

Trying to convey the concept of who to test and not to test, and why, is sometimes confusing.

Many family members may want to test, but you may only be willing to pay for those tests that can help your own genealogy. We need to know who can best benefit our genealogy in order to make informed decisions.

Let’s look at example scenarios – two focused on grandparents and two on parents.

In our example family, a now-deceased grandmother and grandfather have 3 children and multiple grandchildren. Let’s look at when we test which people, and why.

Example 1: Grandparents – 2 children deceased, 1 living

In our first example, Jane and Barbara, my mother, are deceased, but their sibling Harold is living. Jane has a living daughter and my mother had 3 children, 2 of which are living. Who should we test to discover the most about my maternal grandparents?

Please note that before making this type of a decision, it’s important to state the goal, because the answer will be different depending on your goal at hand. If I wanted to learn about my father’s family, for example, instead of my maternal grandparents, this would be an entirely different question, answer, and tree.

Descendant test

Click to enlarge

The people who are “married in” but irrelevant to the analysis are greyed out. In this case, all of the spouses of Jane, Barbara and Harold are irrelevant to the grandmother and grandfather shown. We are not seeking information about those spouses or their families.

The people I’ve designated with the red stars should be tested. This is the “oldest” generation available. Harold can be tested, so his son, my first cousin, does not need to test because the only part of the grandparent’s DNA that Harold’s son can inherit is a portion of what his father, Harold, carries and gave to him.

Unfortunately, Jane is deceased but her daughter, Liz, is available to test, so Liz’s son does not need to.

I need to test, as does my living brother and the children of my deceased brother in order to recover as much as possible of my mother’s DNA. They will all carry pieces of her DNA that I don’t.

The children of anyone who has a red star do NOT need to test for our stated genealogical purpose because they only carry a portion of thier parent’s DNA, and that parent is already testing.

Those children may want to test for their own genealogy given that they also have a parent who is not relevant to the grandfather and grandmother shown. In my case, I’m perfectly happy to facilitate those tests, but not willing to pay for the children’s tests if the relevant parent is living. I’m only willing to pay for tests that are relevant to my genealogical goals – in this case, my grandparents’ heritage.

In this scenario, I’m providing 5 tests.

Of course, you may have other family factors in play that influence your decision about how many tests to purchase for whom. Family dynamics might include things like hurt feelings and living people who are unwilling or unable to test. I’ve been known to purchase kits for non-biologically related family members so that people could learn how DNA works.

Example 2: Grandparents – 2 children living, one deceased

For our second example, let’s change this scenario slightly.

Descendant test 2

Click to enlarge

From the perspective of only my grandparents’ genealogy, if my mother is alive, there’s no reason to test her children.

Barbara and Harold can test. Since Jane is deceased, and she had only one child, Liz is the closest generationally and can test to represent Jane’s line. Liz’s son does not need to test since his mother, the closest relative generationally to the grandparents is available to test.

In this scenario, I’m providing 3 tests.

Example 3: My Immediate Family – both parents living

In this third example, I’m looking from strictly MY perspective viewing my maternal grandparents (as shown above) AND my immediate family meaning the genealogical lines of both of my parents. In other words, I’ve combined two goals. This makes sense, especially if I’m going to be seeing a group of people at a family gathering. We can have a swab party!

Descendants - parents alive

Click to enlarge

In the situation where my parents are both living, I’m going to test them in addition to Harold and Liz.

I’m testing myself because I want to work using my own DNA, but that’s not really necessary. My parents will both have twice as many matches to other people as I do – because I only inherited half of each parent’s DNA.

In this scenario, I’m providing 5 tests.

Example 4: My Immediate Family – one parent living, one deceased

Descendants - father deceased

Click to enlarge

In our last example, my mother is living but my father is deceased. In addition to Harold and Liz who reflect the DNA of my maternal grandparents, I will test myself, my mother my living brother and my deceased brother’s child.

Because my father is deceased, testing as many of my father’s descendants as possible, in addition to myself, is the only way for me to obtain some portion of his DNA. My siblings will have pieces of my parent’s DNA that I don’t.

I’m not showing my father’s tree in this view, but looking at his tree and who is available to test to provide information about his side of the family would be the next logical step. He may have siblings and cousins that are every bit as valuable as the people on my mother’s side.

Applying this methodology to your own family, who is available to test?

Multiple Databases

Now that you know WHO to test, the next step is to make sure your close family members test at each of the major providers where your DNA is as well.

I test everyone at Family Tree DNA because I have been testing family members there for 19 years and many of the original testers are deceased now. The only way new people can compare to those people is to be in the FamilyTreeDNA data base.

Then, with permission of course, I transfer all kits, for free, to MyHeritage. Matching is free, but if you don’t have a subscription, there’s an unlock fee of $29 to access advanced tools. I have a full subscription, so all tools are entirely free for the kits I transfer and manage in my account.

Transferring to Family Tree DNA and matching there is free too. There’s an unlock fee of $19 for advanced tools, but that’s a good deal because it’s substantially less than a new test.

Neither 23andMe nor Ancestry accept transfers, so you have to test at each of those companies.

The great news is that both Ancestry and 23andMe tests can be transferred to  MyHeritage and FamilyTreeDNA.

Before purchasing tests, check first by asking your relatives or testing there yourself to be sure they aren’t already in those databases. If they took a “spit in a vial” test, they are either at 23andMe or Ancestry. If they took a swab test, it’s MyHeritage or FamilyTreeDNA.

I wrote about creating a testing and transfer strategy in the article, DNA Testing and Transfers – What’s Your Strategy? That article includes a handy dandy chart about who accepts which versions of whose files.

Sales

Of course, everything is on sale since it’s the holidays.

Who are you planning to test?

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Disclosure

I receive a small contribution when you click on some of the links to vendors in my articles. This does NOT increase the price you pay but helps me to keep the lights on and this informational blog free for everyone. Please click on the links in the articles or to the vendors below if you are purchasing products or DNA testing.

Thank you so much.

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Genealogy Products and Services

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  • Celebrate DNA – customized DNA themed t-shirts, bags and other items

Thankfulness Recipe

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44

Sometimes I talk to myself, and truth be told, I answer myself too. Often my own questions and research are what provide the foundation for my articles that I share with readers. Today, I’m talking to myself once again, and you’re invited to eavesdrop.

Thanksgiving is about thankfulness. Really, it’s not about turkey, pie or the football😊 I know, that’s hard to digest. Pardon the pun.

As we age, sometimes holidays become very bittersweet. The pain of loss is intermixed with the thankfulness, and from time to time, that pain is overwhelming and swamps everything else. It’s sometimes hard to be thankful, so I need memory-joggers – hence talking to myself.

We all experience these type of life events, because the human state is not static. We are born, live and die. If we are born, the only question left is the duration of the other two. And, how we decide to live for the time we have on earth.

I’m sharing my own personal thankfulness recipe, because Lord knows sometimes I need to be reminded. In no particular order. Mix, serve and repeat as necessary.

Feel free to improve this “recipe” by substituting or adding your own ingredients.

Thankfulness Recipe

  • I’m thankful for my cousins that I’ve met through genealogy, because they far, far outnumber my immediate family that has dwindled to only a few.
  • I’m super thankful for all of the cousins who have agreed to DNA test. None of us can do this alone. Thank each and every one of you!
  • I’m grateful for social media to connect us, even though that same platform has been used to manipulate people as well. I hope I, we, are all smarter now and evaluate everything from every source for accuracy. I’d hate to lose social media as a connection mechanism because it has so much positive to offer.
  • I’m thankful that I can shop on the internet and don’t have to enter any store or drive anyplace close to any mall on Black Friday!
  • I’m thankful for my fur family, who is always here for me – even though their lives are proportionally shorter and their crossing the rainbow bridge is excruciatingly painful for their humans left behind. I hope I’ve enriched their lives as much as they’ve enriched mine. (Confession – I have funerals and write “obituaries” for my fur family. It helps – a little.)
  • I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve enjoyed. Yes, I’ve worked hard to be “available” for those opportunities to appear, so I won’t call them “luck,“ but sometimes being in the right place at the right time eclipses everything else. Call it synchronicity, fate, whatever – I’m grateful.
  • I’m thankful for my genealogy and DNA friends who have helped me immeasurably over the years. You know who you are.
  • I’m incredibly thankful for Chris and Tom, two men who reached out to me through my blog years ago and have shepherded me unflaggingly through my German lineage. I’d be lost without them. They are now among my fast friends.
  • I’m thankful for my home, and that it still stands, unlike so many in California and elsewhere. Makes me feel guilty for the fact that I hate cleaning it.
  • I’m thankful that I’m in a position where I can make “care quilts” for others, not need one for myself. And for my quilt sisters who work as a team in this endeavor. And that I can express love in such a tangible way.
  • I’m thankful for the physicians, nurses and support staff that work hard and study initially for years, plus incessantly for their entire careers to provide medical care that enables us to escape the grim reaper that gathered our ancestors far too early.
  • I’m thankful for every year that I continue to be healthy, or at least healthy enough to do what I love. When I can’t do that any longer, I want to join the ancestors and the fur family across the rainbow bridge. Family, take note!
  • I’m thankful for genealogical DNA testing that has allowed us to piece our disparate families back together again and to Max Blankfeld and Bennett Greenspan for founding this industry 18 years ago. Really, we are all one family – it’s only a matter of distance and degree.
  • I’m thankful that my ancestors were my ancestors, even those who I really can’t embrace personally (one probably murdered his wife), because without each and every one of them, I wouldn’t be here, or wouldn’t be me.
  • I’m thankful to be able to identify the DNA I carry of each ancestor. This confirmation process helps me bond with each ancestor personally. I cherish the chase of discovery and documenting their lives as best we can from a distance. I’m still awed by the fact that the clues to their identity are held within me and their other descendants. The life journey I’ve taken as a result of chasing them is amazing indeed – movie worthy!
  • I’m thankful to my mother for her many sacrifices that I never understood until I was an adult. I’m correspondingly sorry for being a shit (yes, I was), but perhaps that tenaciousness ultimately served me well. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
  • I’m also incredibly, INCREDIBLY grateful that Mom DNA tested before she left us. I thank her for this every single day.
  • I’m thankful to my father but I’m not exactly sure why. He was quite the wild child, but he also had a hole in his soul not of his own making that he spent his entire life trying to patch. I’m working on this one.
  • I’m thankful that I have the ability and willingness to learn and change and that much of the “normalcy” of the time and place in which I grew up came to serve as an example of what I oppose, not embrace.
  • I’m thankful that I’m not too stubborn to admit when I’m wrong, because you can’t change directions until you admit that you’re lost. This one took awhile, trust me😊
  • In an odd way, I’m thankful to the people and circumstances that have made me miserable (but not too miserable), because they, retrospectively, became learning tools and catalysts of change, enabling me to grow and mature personally. (This is a tough thing to be thankful for.)
  • I’m thankful for my step-father, who I met too late, loved with all my heart, and who left too soon. His quiet steadfast example and Hoosierisms have served as my guiding light for many years. “Never mud-wrestle with a pig. You get muddy, the pig enjoys it and the spectators can’t tell the difference.” Many of his sayings were much more colorful and I smile every time I recall them😊
  • I’m thankful that I learned what racism and discrimination (of all types) were in an era and place where I’m not condemned to suffer the full effects of either. My heart breaks for people that suffer so unfairly. In my step-father’s words, “I don’t care if he’s purple, as long as he’s good to my daughter.” I hope to see the demise of the weaponization of human differences within my lifetime.
  • I’m thankful for my brother Dave who turned out not to be my brother, who I met as an adult, who loved me by choice and in sharp contrast to other biological family members who did not. He taught me a lot about the definition of unconditional love.
  • I’m thankful for my husband in spite of the fact that he sometimes exasperates me terribly, and because he bakes me the panettone bread that I love – from scratch. I’ve come to recognize that there are different ways to say “I love you,” many of which we may not recognize as such. (I think I’ll tape this up on the mirror so I can remember this when I really need it😉)
  • I’m thankful that I’ve learned how, when and where to draw the line to eliminate toxic people from my life. My gut knows even when my head doesn’t. When it’s time to walk away, it’s time to walk away.
  • I’m thankful for my family and “family of heart” who over the years have stepped up to the plate when there was nothing in it for them. That’s the measure of true love.
  • I’m thankful for my son-in-law who took care of me when I was ill and couldn’t take care of myself.
  • I’m thankful for my grandchildren, both human and canine, and every minute I get to spend with them.
  • I’m thankful for my daughter-in-law who I’ve been fortunate enough to come to know as a friend over the years. It takes a strong woman to deal with the rest of us!
  • I’m thankful for second chances – for everyone (except for the Charles Manson level ilk). Second chances arrive in the form of addiction support groups, surgery, treatment, divorce, returning to school, life-changing decisions, etc.
  • I’m thankful to my children for becoming such fine adults, in spite of the fact that when they were teens I wondered if any of us would survive and if I would ever receive the gift of being this thankful. I’m immensely proud of both of them. Both are amazing in such different ways and I swell with pride to see the mark they are  leaving on this earth and humanity. Sorry for the brag on them. I can’t help myself. Our children are our lasting legacy, one way or another.
  • But mostly, this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful that a decades-long rift within my family seems to be healing. Sometimes love can be entirely masked by pain, and isolation becomes a reinforcing form of self-defense. Risk, reaching out, makes people vulnerable to rejection and pain. I’m so very grateful that this healing appears to be happening before my funeral. Fingers crossed – about the rift closing of course, not the funeral.
  • Last, but not least, I’m thankful to all of you for the time you allow me into your lives. I hope you are having a wonderful time with your family and friends – or that you’re blissfully buried in your genealogy. Better yet, maybe these two things are one and the same.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Disclosure

I receive a small contribution when you click on some (but not all) of the links to vendors in my articles. This does NOT increase the price you pay but helps me to keep the lights on and this informational blog free for everyone. Please click on the links in the articles or to the vendors below if you are purchasing products or DNA testing.

Thank you so much.

DNA Purchases and Free Transfers

Genealogy Services

Genealogy Research

Thanksgiving Suggestions From a Dysfunctional Family

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24

I hope that you are enjoying or preparing to enjoy your Thanksgiving with family and friends.

I also hope that you are getting a breather – although if you’re the host or hostess, probably not. And if you’re the turkey, you’ve already breathed your last.

I have distinct memories of my Mom making herself crazy with food prep for company that we only saw once a year – at Thanksgiving. Some family members we were so glad to see…and then there were a couple of others.

I always felt terrible for Mom, but as a child, I really couldn’t do anything about the situation except to set the table and stay out from underfoot.

That’s changed, of course, and now I’m in her shoes, so, here are my (and my evil twin’s) Thanksgiving suggestions to get you through the day:

  • Help the hostess clean her house the day before, especially if she works outside the home which means her time is quite limited, or if she is older. In this case, “older” starts about age 30.
  • If you don’t want to do that, consider having Thanksgiving at your house and all of a sudden vacuuming at the hostess’s house will seem really attractive.
  • Have family members DNA swab BEFORE eating – that way if they begin to discuss politics during the meal and someone half the family stomps out – you’ll already have collected their DNA.
  • As soon as DNA swabbing is over, consider serving, as an appetizer, the brownies brought by your really laid-back cousin who lives in a medical marijuana state. There’s a reason why he smiles all the time. Thanksgiving will go much more smoothly.
  • Lend a hand – meaning be helpful. Do not be a smart-aleck and clap your hands. Otherwise, you’ll never know what is really in your food.
  • Do not give the hostess who has been up since 5 AM wrestling with a turkey and has not eaten anything all day long an alcoholic beverage, or one of those brownies.
  • Bring a dish – preferably with enough food in the dish to feed more than a goldfish. Yes, uncle, this means you.
  • Bring flowers for the table – nice flowers, not leftover half-dead mums from the frost earlier in the week.
  • Set the table before the meal with real, not paper, plates. Forks go on the left, knife at right closest to the plate and spoon to the right of that. Just put a roll of paper towels on the table for napkins.
  • If the hostess replaces the paper towels with cloth napkins, do not blow your nose on them.
  • It’s impolite to hang out on your cell phone during the meal. Also impolite anytime conversation is taking place. Yes, we can tell what you are doing in your lap or under the table.
  • However, it’s OK to go in the bathroom and discretely search for recipes that include Xanax, possibly as frosting for brownies. Christmas is only a month away and you have get to see these folks again.
  • The reason there is now a timer installed in the bathroom is because you took up residence in the ONLY bathroom last Thanksgiving for an hour and a half. Not cool. #notyouroffice
  • Clear the table after the meal. Don’t let the dog lick the plates even if you are done with them. At least not where anyone can see.
  • Help with the dishes. No, you cannot just throw the plates away. Also, see above.
  • Don’t disappear onto the couch leaving everything for someone else – especially not the same someone who cooked the meal. People have died for less.
  • If you do this and are married to the hostess, let’s just say you will have had your last child whether you meant to or not.
  • Watch the kids. Yes, your kids and someone else’s if need be. And that does not mean watch them get into trouble.
  • Do not feed said children your cousin’s special brownies. Or alcoholic beverages. That does not count as watching them.
  • Take a deep breath and drink in the scene, because everyone may not be here next year. It’s considered bad form to fantasize about who you would like to be absent next year.
  • Love them while you can, if you can.
  • Take a moment to remember those who have departed, but are still among the family in spirit this year. To honor them, discuss their most memorable moments. Like the summer Mom got her false teeth stuck in a corn cob, or maybe when she was cheering so hard for her grandson running at the state track meet that her dentures fell out of her mouth, onto the track below – causing him to be embarrassed and emotionally scarred for life. To hear him tell it anyway. He did have to go and hunt for them and pick them up as an auditorium full of people laughed. He waved those things like a trophy as he trotted off the track, waving at Grandma. She, on the other hand, was utterly mortified and tried to disappear into nothing. Yep, they will love haunt you for this.
  • On the other hand, there are the “other” still-living relatives. You know who you are.
  • Speaking of which, if you are the lecherous uncle, this might not be the year. Just saying…
  • On second thought, if you’re the lecherous uncle, become suddenly vegetarian and stay home, because knives are sharp and so are memories.
  • If you’re not the lecherous uncle, but he has the bad judgement to attend, again, spend your time walking from person to person, whisper behind your hand into their ear, look at him furtively and nod in his direction as you’re whispering.
  • Write #metoo on postit notes and leave them where Uncle Lecherous will find them at the most inopportune times. Or, better yet, stick one on the bottom of his cup where he won’t see it, but others will. Every. Time. He. Takes. A. Drink. Act surprised and after an hour or two, say aloud “I wonder what that is stuck to your cup” and everyone else can chime in, “Me too.”
  • It is not OK to out grandma at the dinner table, no matter how happy you are to have discovered that Uncle Lecherous is only your half uncle. This massive faux pas will cause you to become immediately and permanently exiled to the “bad” list as well as the children’s table. Just be silently grateful to grandma.
  • Try really hard to appreciate everyone’s differences. If you can’t do that, attempt to be tolerant, unless Uncle Lecherous acts up again. If tolerance doesn’t work, or Uncle Lecherous needs his comeuppance, try not to get blood on anything. It makes a mess and stains.
  • If the family member with whom you have an altercation is genetically related and did not DNA swab before the altercation, attempt to recover some of their blood, so long as it’s not mixed with yours. (Just kidding, sortof.)
  • If you must altercate, do so preferably after dinner, outside. Do not upset the Thanksgiving table or use a drumstick or cast iron skillet as a weapon. Drumsticks are ineffective and you won’t have leftovers tomorrow, and you might damage the  skillet.
  • If the police arrive due to the altercation, hope that the officers are related (to you) and be prepared to feed them. I don’t know about donuts in the afternoon, but chocolate anything has been known to work as has pumpkin pie. However, do NOT allow anyone to give the officers the special brownies.
  • If the officers begin to ask questions about the brownies, tell them how happy you are that Uncle Lecherous brought his special secret-recipe brownies. Again, everyone can chime in with, “me too.” Watching the results will provide world-class entertainment and stories for decades!

I hope this has made you smile. Feel free to add your own “suggestions” in the comments!

The holidays are special and family gatherings are the time and place to share memories and swab family members while everyone is still in a good mood and before the fight begins.

Thanksgiving is a good time to prepare for the Christmas holidays by asking people to bring photos and other memorabilia to share.  Bring a scanner along with DNA swab kits.  Sharing gets everyone thinking about genealogy and they’ll be a lot more willing to swab if they are excited about their common family history and understand that their DNA is an important part of the puzzle.

Friday, and for some even later on Thanksgiving day, the great shopping rat-race begins. Here’s hoping you get to spend quality time with family and make Thanksgiving a day of peace and joy.

Safe journey and see you overhome!

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